welcome.

i recently took a week long solo trip to Melbourne in order to truly decompress from what had been a rather strenuous 6-8 months. it was also my first solo holiday, so i wanted to reconnect with myself and work through some thoughts/feelings/emotions that i had pushed to the side. to be honest, i had mostly forgotten about the trip until i actually left for the airport. and by the end of it, i had a list of about 50 dot points of my thoughts and learnings.

needless to say, it was a monumental trip for me. i took some photos along the way as well, the majority of which are from my phone. i didn't want the technicalities of a camera to interfere with the experience; i simply wanted to convey what i saw as candidly as possible.

i also wrote a ton, often taking my journal out to dinner or bars and just writing whatever came through my stream of consciousness. it was incredibly therapeutic to see my thoughts on paper instead of them racing around in my head. the excerpts here are all genuine, just edited slightly for clarity or context.

ultimately, this trip took a somewhat unexpected turn. i didn't think i would connect with others as much as i did, or be as vulnerable with myself as much as i was. all this to say that none of this is perfect by any means; the writing or the photos. but it is real, and that's why i wanted to share what i made. we all, myself included, get too caught up in the perfectionist game, especially when it comes to sharing our art publicly. i tend to ramble on here and there and the photos aren't framed perfectly all the time, but that's how i experienced this trip. if you're after some well thought through images, look at my portfolio. :)

thank you for being here. i hope you like what you see.

Kane.

wednesday, February 8, 2023.

v wine salon. bourke st, melbourne cbd.

Finally back in Melbourne. I can’t tell if it’s felt longer or shorter than four-odd months since my last visit. It’s good to be back, if not a bit odd that I’m here alone. My instinct is to cram activities into every second of my time, but that’s not the point of this trip. I want to take it slowly, day by day. Reconnect with myself and allow myself the opportunity to unwind.

Today’s priorities are to visit the Aesop Queer Library (editor’s note: it had finished early). Then to venture out into the big city and find somewhere for dinner and a drink.

6:55pm

Walked around the corner from my hotel looking for a venue for dinner and/or a drink. Almost walked past this place called V Wine Salon. Went in. Asked them if they would be so kind as to suggest a drop on the sweeter side, and what time do you close? 

Chateau D’epire ‘Comtesse De Las Cases’ Savennieres Moelleux 2018.

10pm. Sometimes earlier depending on the crowd.

Seat by the window. Perfect vantage point to observe the goings on of the city. Commuters, tourists, families, strollers, construction workers. Every person in their own bubble, their own world. A place where each person’s thoughts and feelings permeate the city around them, enveloping buildings and people and cars with a heavy smog of worry or stress or doubt, or contentment or joy or love. To each person this city is their whole world in this moment. And yet to an onlooker, myself, this city is my world, and I am simply observing all of these people, all of their thoughts and feelings and worries. I am observing them and they are all just a minute character in my plane of existence. There one second, gone the next. An entire person’s worth of life and experiences, walking past my window, gone as quickly as they came. I won’t see them again.

I asked the venue manager if she had any dinner/bar recommendations. She produced a list on the back of a page from the menu, detailing various venues and cuisines.

This one is pretty lively, they usually have a DJ, but if you’re after something more subdued there’s a quieter place just down the road.

Oh, and Her. The place to be. You have to go.

One day I’ll make it through all the places she suggested.

Thursday, february 9, 2023.

bourke street green. bourke st, melbourne cbd.

Ended up having a pretty lazy day. Definitely didn't sleep enough. A 3 hour time zone difference doesn't seem like enough time to significantly mess up my sleeping pattern, but alas, I have fallen victim. 

On yet another walk I discovered a place called Bourke Street Green. No prizes for guessing where it is. It’s currently 9:30pm; the lovely lady at the entrance said they’ll be closing in half an hour or so. Clearly Melburnians don’t go too crazy on a Thursday night, then. Probably an echo of the impacts of COVID on the city. Never mind, I’ll just have to come back tomorrow too.

I order a whiskey sour and find a seat. There’s a few other people milling around at this stage. Gives me some peace and quiet to write a bit. 

It’s a peculiar dichotomy. I’m in the heart of such a popular, busy city, and yet I am rather isolated. From a third person perspective, I am just one of the crowd. But to me, for the most part, I may as well be on an abandoned island. I am experiencing and learning and feeling so much, yet barely saying a word to anyone besides the people taking my order. Isolated but not alone, I think. 

The cacophony of city life drowning out the silence, 

and the isolation, the lack of the engagement, with the world around me, 

creating its own silence. 

A rather interesting duality.

18-, 19-, or even early 20-year-old me would be absolutely terrified right now. Alone on the other side of the country. Alone and surrounded by a bunch of people who look like they have their life together; something I feel I very much do not.

And yet, I feel strangely comfortable. At a table, by myself, journaling. Something I never thought I would be brave enough to do. But it turns out it’s not that scary, and people aren’t looking at you or judging you nearly as much as you might think.

Although, I do like to wonder what people would be thinking about me. Or rather, if I were observing myself, what would I be thinking about?

What is that guy doing here alone?

What is he writing about?

Is he expecting company?

It’s interesting that I’m projecting these thoughts about myself onto other people. Do I want them to be thinking about me a certain way? Do I want to know their opinions? And if so, why? Why do I want their opinions? Even on a trip where I’m focusing on myself, other people’s opinions of me are still playing in the back of my mind. Not that it’s affecting me in particular; I don’t care what they’re thinking, but why is it on my mind at all?

saturday, february 11, 2023.

short stop. sutherland st, melbourne cbd.

I wanted to go to Krimper for breakfast but they were packed and there was a bit of a wait, which I wasn’t too keen on. Decided to walk around and see what I could find. Didn’t take me long to turn a corner and find a coffee and donut place called Short Stop. Ideal breakfast choice? Maybe not, but when in Rome.

Batch brew and a walnut & brown butter donut.

Perfection.

For whatever reason, I’ve had Love by Lana Del Rey on repeat this whole trip so far. Unofficial soundtrack perhaps?

“I get all dressed up, to go nowhere in particular”.

What am I doing on Valentine’s day?

“To be young, and in love”.

Thanks Lana.

7:17pm

Public Wine Bar. As per Andrew at Aēsop’s suggestion.

It’s very nice. As in, I don’t recognise half the words on the menu. The ladies next to me are talking about someone’s three million dollar home. There’s a brand new Porsche behind me.

We aren’t in the same tax bracket. Yet. But it seems intimidating. Perhaps that’s because of my own insecurities and fears around finances and money in general. Or perhaps it’s just because it’s unfamiliar to me. But I think I’ll have to work through the discomfort if I want to be successful one day, or I’ll just sabotage myself.

How did a Saturday evening drink turn into a spiral about personal finance?

7:57pm

Wasn’t really feeling the food menu, however I did enjoy the organic negroni. It’s been an interesting journey of trying new things and expanding my horizons, but tonight I think I’m in the mood for pizza, if I’m being honest. 

I found a place down the road that was less busy. Ordered a pizza and another negroni. 10/10.

8:43pm

Ended up making my way through Fitzroy a bit more, and I’ve ended up at Baxter’s Lot (I think? It’s a bit too dark to read the sign). Everywhere I turn there’s another place to try.

It really is invigorating to do all this exploration on my own. But I suppose now and then, some company wouldn’t go amiss. It’s in our nature to socialise, which I haven’t done a lot of this trip. Never mind, I’ll get my chance when I’m home. Just enjoy the alone time while I have it. 

11:55pm

I sit, alone in my hotel room, dwelling on a sense of sadness. I think it would be unfair to ignore these feeling considering how positive this trip has been. Why do I feel sad? Maybe it’s because I feel lonely. But that’s the point of this trip. To be alone with myself and my thoughts, and work through some things I usually don’t get the time to.

Perhaps loneliness isn’t sad. It’s just loneliness. Or maybe there’s an innate sense of sadness that is tied to being lonely. Maybe both can exist simultaneously.

Being alone is lonely, but it doesn’t have to be sad. But intentionally traveling somewhere to be alone is part of the journey of becoming more comfortable with your own company.

And now it’s midnight and I want to go out again. So out I shall go.

saturday, february 11, 2023.

acmi. fed square, melbourne cbd.

Stopped in at ACMI (formerly Australian Centre for the Moving Image) to get some creativity flowing. I explored an exhibition called The Story of the Moving Image - definitely check it out if you can - with these little discs containing an NFC tag. You tap it on a symbol on the exhibits and it saves it to the disc for you to review later on the website.

And wow, was there a lot to see there. It’s hard to convey it all in writing, but it takes you through the history of the moving image and then into what the future of the industry looks like as well. A really fascinating experience overall. One of my favourites was a stop motion display of sorts, that would spin in synchronicity with flashing lights so it appeared to be one smooth animation rather than a spinning display. Kinda hard to explain but it was really cool in person. It was like watching a 3D animation.

But of course this wouldn’t be a Kane day out without some form of comparison or overthinking! Buckle in.

Obviously I’m staying in the CBD, so it’s a bit of a feedback loop, but it’s rather interesting seeing all the corporate/white collar/professional people go about their business. I was walking around the city this morning in jeans and a hoodie watching everyone split off the footpath into various office buildings, tapping their passes and being whisked up in an elevator to their floor.

There’s something about the corporate world that has always intrigued me, for whatever reason. Perhaps it’s because I’m business minded, but I’ve long thought I would enjoy working in a corporate job; anything really. M&A, audit, finance, strategy, or even an executive/director one day. The opportunity to travel, working across different teams, playing a part in important decisions… it’s always been appealing to me.

I know this is a highly glamourised view of it though. Big bucks equal big stakes. Big work weeks. Big expectations. There’s a level of fetishisation almost, the way I aspire to be there, as if it’s the perfect industry. Every industry has its perks, and equally its downfalls. Of course, some jobs are better suited to different people’s personalities, but considering how creative I am… is that really the route I want to go down? Sure, some parts of it seem appealing. But I wonder where the appeal comes from. Perhaps I need to do some more introspection.

But being here at ACMI, surrounded by art and creativity, really exacerbates this feeling. My heart loves being creative and making art, but my mind wants to go down the steady professional pathway with a good salary and potential for growth.

But I think at the end of the day, I want to forge my own path, the ideal blend of the two. That’s what this trip has made me realise. I’ve realised that the dreams and aspirations I have are mine for a reason, and I owe it to myself to follow them as much as possible.

Tuesday, february 14, 2023.

Mr Chambers. Toorak Rd, south yarra.

V WINE SALON. BOURKE ST, MELBOURNE CBD.

This will probably be the most interesting night for me. Or the most painful. Observing people in relationships professing their love for each other. But I suppose this night is about me professing love for myself. I think this is the ultimate form of love. Not requiring it from someone else. Not expecting lavish gifts, or public displays of affection.

You know what? I’m proud of myself, truly. Through all the challenges and heartache, I made it through to the other side. I took myself on a holiday across the country. I bought myself this outfit. I’m taking myself out for dinner, on the most romantic day of the year. I’m loving myself exactly the way I would want to be loved in a relationship, which makes me question why I even want one in the first place.

Complement, not complete. That’s the next stage I’ll get to. I want a relationship to complement my life, not complete it. I am my own wholly self sufficient individual. I have proven to myself that I am capable of loving myself, and a relationship merely complements this. Am I fully there yet? I don’t think so, I still have some work to do. But I know it’s possible, and I know I’ll make it happen. 

8:42pm

I went back to V Wine Salon. I got another port, the one I tried last night, and it was just as marvellous. Goes down a little too well, I think.

Do you want another one of those, or should we try something a bit different? Valentine asks me.

Let’s try something different, I say. She tells me she has the perfect one in mind. It’s different, but you’ll like it. Just one moment.

The name has since slipped my mind, but it was the most gorgeous madeira - another fortified wine, but with the most incredible brown sugar/butterscotch/caramelised nose. The flavours were just marvellous too. What a great experience. Definitely in the top 3 reasons for returning to Melbourne.

I had a cheese board accompanying my drinks, and let me tell you - it was such a great experience. Simple, sure, but exactly what I enjoy. My own company, a good drink, a cheese board, a quiet venue. Just myself and my thoughts. There were a handful of other people there as well; enough to add some ambiance, but not enough to make it rowdy. It was perfect. I could have happily spent hours there. And it was the perfect way to wrap up the night as well.

I took a walk around the city after my time at V Wine Salon. I think this was the first time I’ve ever been able to observe couples in love and not feel bad for myself. I felt happy for them. But more importantly, I felt content in myself. For the first time I didn't feel like I was missing out on something.

Plenty of couples sitting in intimately lit restaurants. Couples sitting on benches, hand in hand, talking softly. Couples sharing a kiss under the light of Flinders St Station. And I can’t help but feel happy for them. And happy for myself and the growth I've experienced.

wednesday, february 15, 2023.

the ian potter centre: ngv australia. federation square, melbourne cbd.

That was the last thing I wrote about on that trip. On Wednesday I went to breakfast, and then explored the Ian Potter Centre at Federation Square until it was time to leave for the airport.

I didn’t really have any expectations for this holiday, but it really was the most eye opening time of self reflection and learning. I truly enjoyed my alone time, even if I did feel a bit sad about it a few times. I learnt that it’s easy to go out alone in public and do your thing; no one says anything. And if they do, why does it matter?

You can see my different moods and feelings through the different entries. It's hard to encapsulate them fully in writing on a screen, but I hope I have decently conveyed my experience.

I learnt that to love someone else you first have to love yourself. I’ve always heard that but this trip really solidified that for me. I basically dated myself for a week, and it was great. It put me in a really healthy mindset that I’ll carry with me for a long time.

I got to write again for the first time in YEARS, I had the luxury of deciding how I wanted to spend my time, I had the honour of putting myself first. This all might sound a bit sappy or whatever, but it’s true.

I'm grateful to have been able to do this. I really look forward to the next trip and the new things I'll learn about myself.

thoughts on the flight home.

• being alone isn’t uncomfortable
• you are capable of making plans that don’t involve other people.
• journaling your thoughts on paper is wildly therapeutic.
• decide each day what you will fill your time with. free time is the ultimate luxury.
• you can be spontaneous. see above.
• people aren’t scary. you can talk to them and ask them questions. they are, more often than not, glad to help.
• strangers aren’t nearly as judgemental as you may think. no one cares enough to say anything.
• dress to feel good about yourself. strangers will rarely give you the validation. validate yourself instead.
• it’s okay to take your AirPods off now and again and just listen to the city. it’ll tell you more than you think.
• of course store employees are nice. it’s their job.
• it’s okay to splurge. everything is hard right now. allow yourself to spend money on things that will make you happy.
• don’t underestimate the beauty in a good night’s sleep.
• leave your curtains open. allow the sun to wake you up naturally.
• allow yourself to stay up until sunrise too. it’s about balance.
• try new things. step outside your comfort zone. try new restaurants. you’ll probably love it.
• take the time to slow down. like, properly slow down. you don’t need to be doing something every minute of the day.
• most people are just after a good time.
• try new places. keep it interesting.
• but finding one or two places you return to isn’t a bad thing, either.
• it’s okay to ask for recommendations. you don’t have to be an expert.
• people are more than happy to welcome you to their city. accept it with grace.
• taking yourself out on Valentine’s Day is a pretty solid form of self love.
• not feeling awkward about it is monumental.
• taking yourself out on Valentine’s Day makes you question why you even want a relationship in the first place.
• observing people in love on the international day of love, and not feeling resentful, is a huge step forward. progress is progress.
• there is absolute bliss in enjoying Madeira and a cheese board in a wine bar. you should do it more often.
• people watching is fascinating. first dates, last dates, anniversaries, work meetings, solo adventurers. they can tell you plenty about themselves without saying a word to you directly.
• you can’t put a price on experience.
• or lessons.
• designer brands are almost exclusively never worth the price tag. support smaller businesses instead.
• people buying designer clothing for their newborn have more dollars than sense. or more debt than sense.
• don’t let people’s choice in designer baby clothing worry you. observe, and move on.
• for the love of God, mega American coffee chain beverages are not good. support local instead.
• only knock it once you try it, though. consider it knocked.
• once you go Uber Premier, you won’t go back. this is a tough pill to swallow.
• tip your drivers. unless they ask you if you got laid on your trip. then perhaps not.
• look up from your phone. observe your surroundings.
• give people your business card. who knows what is in store?
• the universe has a funny way of reuniting people. trust that it will happen.
• alone time is the biggest gift you can give yourself.
• you don’t have to fill the empty half of your hotel bed with another person. be thankful you didn’t.
• the feeling of loneliness is often a sign of a deeper issue. identify it and work through it.
• travelling solo is indeed a fantastic way to work through your feelings of loneliness.
• call your parents. they’d like to hear how your trip is going.
• fake it until you make it. act as the person you want to be.
• that guy in the brand new, six figure car did indeed head into an office building at 11:30pm on a Monday night. there’s a reason he drives a six figure car.
• make sure you pack enough clothing.
• life is beautiful and there is so much to explore.
• you just have to do it.

mementos.

photos of some important/notable items from my trip.

some special mentions:

image 1 - a journal given to me by my friend Tamati that played a pivotal role in this trip.

image 9 - a list of places to visit, from a lovely Aēsop consultant.

image 10 - a list of food/drink venues, written by the amazing V Wine Salon venue manager, Valentine.

thank you.

if you made it this far, i applaud you.

thank you for taking the time to explore my words and my photos. as i've said a million times already, this was a really important trip for me. i learnt a lot about myself, my desires and what i want out of life. i was sad to leave but happy knowing that this is only the start of my self discovery and exploration as an adult.

as always, i would love to hear your thoughts and feedback.

hopefully the next trip is not so far away.

Kane.